I’ve found myself in a quandry over the past month. I feel less connected to my ass, and experience less pleasure in ass play. I had a very long chat to my boyfriend about it, and we concluded that it’s because I put too much emphasis on setting and achieving goals. It just so happens that simultaneously I’ve reached a point where I’m very happy with my progress, so actually this is in two ways the perfect time to give up my wider-deeper-harder goals.
After some discussion and reflection, I’ve come to see that I’m obsessed with development. It stops me from being in the present and enjoying what I’m doing with some great guys. I don’t enjoy what I have while I’m having sex, because I’m too busy thinking about what I’d like to have, and what I have to do to get there. In other words, I’ve been focused on doing and having instead of simply being. This is Psychology 101. The moment you stop trying to aim for things and instead focus on generating who you want to be, your abilities show themselves, and you relax. Just thinking about this right now, I’m changing my context for fisting and ass training, and it feels liberating. I am taking on PLAYING.
Play is giving and taking without intent.
How fun is that! Try it on.
Through being so goal-focused, and already having some kind of reputation in the fist community, I’ve felt like I need to perform well, especially in group sex situations. I felt this last weekend, and it contributes to me not being present, not relaxing and not having fun. I’ve been putting on this arrogant attitude, as though I know everything about fisting; as though my asshole can perform backflips and the five point exploding heart technique in my sleep. While I exude this attitude, deep down I’m scared shitless of not living up to my reputation. The result? A closed asshole, a worried me, and a loss of intimacy during an activity that is designed to bring two people as close as they can physically be. So what if I bring PLAY into the game? No intent, no goals, and no pressure to perform. I’m giving up getting that double punch fist ass, and turning instead to holding my partner inside me, just having fun.
I thought today about taking a break altogether. You hear about it occasionally in the community. For me the reasons would be because a) I don’t like the drug dependency in the community, b) I don’t feel what I used to feel, as described above, and c) because I get obsessed with the act to the detriment of the other things I do in my life. I’ve decided a break as such isn’t necessary, but a step back will certainly help me relax and rediscover why I fist. It’s sad to think that this activity that I love, with all the intimacy it brings, could ever become something that I’m no longer interested in because I’ve pushed myself too hard to achieve more. I think the only step here is to not push, just to fist when I’m with someone with whom I really connect, and to be in the moment with them, rather than thinking about achieving any goals to make me a better, more experienced fister. I used to have moments where I felt so intimately connected to my fist partner that I would just cry while he held me. It’s time to go back there again. Enough sport.
Please excuse me if it takes a while to write further some further entries.