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Coming to terms with fear


Coming to terms with fear

Follow-up to entry number 20, which was written by a friend of mine about his fisting accident. It helped me to develop some thoughts.

This entry is a follow-up to entry number 20, which was written by a friend of mine about his fisting accident. He and I had a number of conversations about the accident and about fear well before he wrote his recount for me. He helped me to develop some thoughts about dealing with fear powerfully in the context of fisting. Here they are.

The first thing to do is to admit that fear is natural and unavoidable. 

It isn’t something to conquer, fight or overcome, but rather something to which you develop your relationship. Fear is part of being human, just like pain, heartbreak and losing your internet connection during the middle of a great porn vid. So let’s look at it from that point of view. 

Knowledge is power

During my initial years of fisting I was very fearful of injury. It made me convince myself double and depth were off the table. Through experiences of my own and watching lots of fisting videos, I slowly changed my mind about my fears, and got smart about how to safely push my hole without injuring it – to find where that line is for my body. And, in cases where a bottom has wanted me to push his line further, I grew into the skill of reading other holes and what they can take. I can say now that knowledge, through practice, research (porn) and common sense, is the weapon that has improved my relationship to fear.

With great pleasure comes great responsibility

Fisting is extreme, and while it should be fun and relaxing, it’s not purely a game without consequences. Take the serious side of it seriously. That includes preparing yourself and the space effectively, cleaning up well (the amount of times I’ve slipped over on lube!), being mindful of hygiene (learn effective hand cleaning technique here), being a good partner by checking how others are feeling and if they need anything, and dealing with a problem effectively if it comes up. It seems simple, but maintaining these standards aren’t so easy when you have other things on your mind, e.g.: the actual fisting. With great pleasure comes great responsibility, so don’t be lazy when you finish bottoming and have to go clean the floor or remove a precarious candle. You might prevent an accident.

People are at different stages of their relationship to fear

I fisted with some different guys over the past few weeks, and it got me thinking about their holes, their fears, and how their fears affected their holes. Two guys interested me in particular.Guy number one had a scarred hole from operations he had had following getting fucked too brutally (some tops just don’t understand how to work a hole well), and as a result he had scar tissue plus a deeper sense of fear of something going wrong (understandably so). I worked on him slowly, with lots of body contact and predictable, repetitive movement, and we got a good feeling going, though it will take him a lot more of that before he takes his first fist. He came over and borrowed a dildo from me over the weekend so he can develop in his own time. The moral of this story is to take your own time and enjoy the journey. If you are scared, that’s ok. Just be where you are. Everything changes with time, and where you are right now is just right.

Guy number two is a porn actor known only for his topping (massive dick). He came to me to bottom for my fists, and despite a bony tight hole, he loved it and was fairly successful in the end. I was quite amused by this guy with such a whopper of a dong totally fixated on taking fists up his tight ass… The diversity of nature is wonderful. Anyway, he mentioned that he can’t stand the idea of putting his fist into a guy because he hates the sight of blood and the idea of doing damage to a bottom. I suppose I get it, I also don’t like doing damage to anyone, but I’m not squeamish if blood does happen. It seems to be an irrational fear, and with the necessary precautions, training and common sense you can avoid this. The irony of him desperately wanting a fist but not wanting to fist someone else for fear of hurting them was not lost on me.

Has it ever gone wrong for me?

Yes. I’ve had moments in the past where I’ve been pushing something a little too hard or fast and suddenly something has shifted inside me, and I’ve wondered if I’ve torn something. To this day though, I have not injured myself (any more than a simple scratch), and over time my insides have grown and relaxed, and I have come to recognise the difference between a good stretch and a dangerous stretch, and a dildo pointing in the right direction vs. the wrong one. If you go slowly, use plenty of lube and listen to your body, I am convinced that you will not do yourself damage.

What to do if you’re afraid something has gone wrong

if you suspect you may have done damage and want to check, begin by not panicking. Run some cold water inside and see what colour it is when it comes out. Bright red blood = oxygenated and serious as it is coming from an artery. Dull blood = most likely a few burst capillaries and will stop by itself, assisted with cold water. No or less water comes back out? Proceed with caution, if there is a hole in the wall of your guts the water could have gone through there. Don’t trust me on this, I am still learning as I have not had the option to speak with many guys who have experienced an injury. If after checking and waiting you are still unsure if you are injured, call an ambulance. If you are indeed injured, your physical condition will deteriorate fairly quickly and you are at risk of going into septic shock, so you will be thankful that you did get to a hospital in time.

Trust and honesty

Perhaps obvious, but there are two really helpful elements to allaying fear in fisting. Trust your top, his skills and his care of you – if you don’t, ask yourself why you’re letting him do something extreme with your body. If you are willing to put your safety in his hands, you go halfway to bankrupting the fear in your head that something will go wrong. Side note: it can be quite an erotic, intimate feeling to trust your top fully. Secondly, be honest with yourself that something can go wrong, even if you think you’ve taken every precaution and are fisting smartly. Accidents happen, we can forget certain precautions, we can be overly confident and we can be desperate for a feeling, bypassing our better judgement. It’s part of being human. So cut yourself a bit of slack, and find peace with what you are doing with your body even though you don’t have a way to protect yourself 100%. This is actually just like everyday life in all sorts of ways, like the possibility of being in a car accident, it doesn’t stop you from hopping in a car, because you are willing to take the risk and you take the necessary precautions. So in conclusion, lower the possibility of an accident by taking the precautions you can (play with the right top, know your body, progress slowly and with lots of lube), and get honest with yourself about the remaining possibility of an accident. The truth hurts, baby. Accept it, and do it anyway.

Also, meditate.

I might write an entry on that when I am further down the track with my own meditation. So far it’s opening up some really cool stuff for me, namely letting go of judgement; not being attached to goals; accepting discomfort – and thereby becoming present to the potential for pleasure. 

Now go fist some holes!


PS: I’ve started providing fisting thoughts of the day on my twitter @jazzmatazzoz. I think this is my first announcement here that I’m on twitter, so if you don’t yet follow me there, go check it out. I have vids and pics there too. It’s not at all safe for 95% of workplaces.

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