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The Top/Bottom Fallacy

The Top/Bottom Fallacy

First a bit of an update! The blog site is undergoing an overhaul with my new web designer. We had our second meeting yesterday and I noticed just how detailed he is. We’ve made many fundamental design decisions already, and he’s working on all the finer details now. We even spent like 20 mins reducing 10 font options down to 3, which was something I’d never thought about before in my life haha. I’m excited. Thanks so much to my patreon subscribers for making this possible – your contribution is paying for this overhaul so that everyone can enjoy this hub of fisting information!

And now for the meat!

The Top/Bottom Fallacy

I find it questionable and tbh childish when people identify as tops or bottoms. Being top or bottom is a state, not an identity, and if we all accepted that outlook then we would all increase pleasure opportunities for ourselves and others.

When we were young…

I think I get it: it’s that we naturally gravitated to one of the two when first we started having sex, because it felt more natural, comfortable, easier, less vulnerable, less pressuring, or a partner decided that because they more comfortable with one role, you needed to be the other, and you liked them so you did it and became good at it.

But regardless of which role we choose, we feel like it chose us. We talk about bottoming and topping like it’s a superpower, something sacred, and we tend to shame the other role, probably to make ourselves feel superior, while also hankering desperately after the corresponding yang to our yin.

But hold on… You chose to be a pitcher or catcher, based on your circumstances, your partner at the time, or an early discovered skill, right? And you have the choice to expand your sexual palette as you like. It’s your life, your sexuality. I felt like I didn’t have the choice, but actually looking a bit closer, I did. I liked bottoming, I was damn good at bottoming, and still am good at bottoming- so much so that I became a fisting bottom, like many of you. Though it appears to go even one level deeper. A lot of us bang on all the time about heteronormativity invading our queer lives, and yet when it comes to the actual bedroom and our sexual identity, some of us fall life-long into this trap of being pitcher or catcher, sticking to a – possibly subconsciously steadfast – traditionally heteronormative male-female bedroom dynamic, when in most cases nobody made us do it except ourselves. Society doesn’t give a fuck about whether we top or bottom in the bedroom, and yet we continue to line up in two straight lines, like primary schoolers outside the classroom before school begins? Fuck that shit, man. Hell, we even know by now that not even heteros always follow these societal “norms”, and for the most part I think it’s us who showed them that that is ok, that they can live a life where they say fuck the man in their bedrooms. (Side note, it’s funny writing this, because I realise now what the author of the words “sex is political” means. Maybe we can’t block out the socio-political from sex. Ok now I’m thinking of a number of former Australian prime ministers standing in the corner watching me while I get my brains fucked out. Backpedaling straight out of this one.)

Here she comes to save the day!

And then come the versatiles, those anarchistic chaotic vers fuck boys that will take any pleasure they can get. How dare they fuck up the natural order of things! They’re just here to fuck up all the holes, including theirs. It’s me, hey 🙂 I’m one of them. And I’m here to tell you that this is the future of gay sex.

This boy is a bttm
A young friend of mine when we first met even used the term “the bottom community”, which made me snort-laugh so hard I peed my pants. I explained to him that no such community of trembling bottoms-in-waiting exists. He’s made leaps and bounds since then and we look back at that conversation and laugh.  I also explained that it is silly to block out one half of your pleasure potential, and in denying yourself you also deny others their pleasure. You know what I mean? Eg. if all you do is bottom, any versatile guy is not getting his ass opened up by you. Most of us have experienced or heard stories of some bottom who is unwilling to budge from his position as Crown Princess of Bottom Country, and it is annoying as fuck to anyone that isn’t a 100% top. Pleasure denial! It could be a kink if it weren’t so fucking sad.

Dear Tops
If you’re a 100% top, don’t think I’m not coming for you too. An older friend of mine back in Australia, a big tall burly redhead with a big cock, was adamant he can’t bottom. Because he tried it once, and it hurt. And he never tried it again. Waaaah, it hurt! Poor little top got a booboo. As you can see I’m not above shaming others, but you see how ridiculous that sounds, right? It’s like saying “I tried cupcakes once, and I didn’t like them.” Maybe a little analysis is due? Was the cake mix too dry? What flavour was the icing? You did remember to put icing on, right? Who were you eating cupcakes with, was the company good? You could go on: what time of day did you eat the cupcakes, what had you eaten beforehand, did you take your time or rush into the cupcake eating? Was the cupcake too big? Were you way too in your head about the cupcake eating, or were you truly present to just accept the cupcake experience without all these damn questions floating around in your silly himbo top mind? Did you try some poppers with the cupcake? Hm…

OK OK, I am being an asshole.
SO of course in the FF community the majority of people have reached a point where they are happily versatile. I have had this discussion with so many people in the FF community, namely about total bottoms, and in recent times when it comes up I take the side of the 100% bottoms, and here’s why: sometimes all I want to do is top, and I want to top someone who wants to just bottom. Because it’s nice, and we understand each other, and nobody is missing out. It’s all about nobody missing out. Sometimes I have a connection with someone that is specifically about us fitting into one role only, and I can’t really imagine swapping for them. Maybe you have it too. So actually if that is a thing in my head, it’s not that far of a leap to imagine a person who might never want to top someone, or bottom for someone. But to that I say, you might just not have found that person yet, or not trusted the possibility enough to take a leap of faith and give it a try.

So yeah, I can’t relate to not enjoying both roles, because for me it’s just so fucking nice to do both. If this isn’t you, fine, and I probably won’t convince you otherwise. But if nothing else, consider that Annette and Horst, the sweet, poor hetero neighbours downstairs, are missing out. She doesn’t know what a strap-on is, and he doesn’t give a second thought to why taking a dump every morning is the most pleasurable 5-20 mins of his day. We got the gift of not having to be like them, to be able to use our bodies’ pleasure potential to the fullest, and to thump away both ways from the room above, and ignore the letter of complaint written in the sweetest old lady handwriting the next day. Because we’re faggots, Harry, and fuck you.

Porgy and Bess

My husband and I started off as a bottom-and-top pair. I was the bottom, he was the top, and we thought we were going to live happily ever after like that. As we grew into our 30s, our high sex drive, open relationship and curiosity led to discovering ourselves in the opposite roles, and we grew up to be happily versatile adults. Mature. Versatile. Adults. If you haven’t taken the plunge yet, it is most likely overdue. And if you try it and don’t like it, change something about it and try again. Change your partner, the setting, the time of day. Change something. Experiment. Stop denying yourself and your partners the other side of pleasure.

Thou shalt fist top
Fisting was actually my gateway to becoming versatile. Before then I wasn’t very confident as a cock top, though I did like the feeling. Keeping my dick up in front of others made me feel under pressure, and that made it go soft. Fist topping made me much more aware of the pleasure I can give others and receive myself at the same time, in a less high pressure situation. Through it I experienced the vast cloud of experiences I can have as the top partner, without the pressure of keeping my dick hard. It took a lot of practice, but these days (without wanting to sound like a wanker) I have come to relate to my arms as sex organs when I’m fisting. My brain has become wired that way after lots of practice, experiencing pleasure and enabling pleasure in others. The bonus is that through fisting I have now gained confidence in cock topping as well – I don’t get nervous about it anymore because I don’t need to use my dick. I use my hands, and if my dick gets hard, I use that too. I’ve even discovered in my 30s that I’m a multi cummer. Haha. So thank you fisting.


…Because it’s good for you!!

I also love the creativity of fist topping. I have my successful techniques, a palette from which to work, but mostly it is impulsive creativity, an Improvisation on a Hole and the guy I am fisting, because everyone is different, from the physical to the communication. I’m a musician so I identify it withimprovisation and composition, which is simply low pressure improvisation in slow motion. If you are a musician, writer, or a dancer, or an architect, or a painter, sculptor, designer or cook, a programmer, or if you do these and similar things or do things involving problem solving or imagination, your brain is operating all the time in a similar way to when you fist top: having an idea, running with it, and finding the pleasure in the process and the result. Being in flow. And here’s a little golden nugget for you: if you don’t think you’re creative, think again. Humans are creative. Humans are problem solvers. And even if the only time you feel like you’re being creative is while you fist, well enjoy that, and get as much practice as you can, because creative thinking is the highest form of exercise for your brain. See Bloom’s Taxonomy.

Doing the work on myself
I used to be 60-40 bottom for fisting, because while I really liked to top, I looooooved to bottom and that drove my lust to meet people and fist, and to endure the preparation process beforehand. Then recently after lots of water under the bridge I started to identify as 40-60 top. But is that really the truth? I noticed that identifying with this makes me unhappy, because I know I love to bottom, and I miss it. I stopped bottoming so much when life got hard, and I stopped trusting people so easily and have been reluctant to make myself vulnerable to people. But in the rare moments when I do bottom, I still have a great time, and nothing is wrong with my butt. This identifying with being top or bottom is something I fundamentally disagree with, so why have I been calling myself first 60-40 and now 40-60? Isn’t that the same damn thing as people who say they are bottom only or top only? It’s like I’ve had one standard for everyone else and another for myself.

So here’s my new approach.

Identity: versatile.

Status: in flux.

How I feel today: kinda bottomy.

How I felt yesterday: kinda bottomy too (I even wanted to play with some toys but didn’t get around to it. I’m so busy these months and don’t make time for attending to my own ass.)

How I felt last week: super toppy. Had a great time fisting to my heart’s content, sucking on prolapse and giving some solid elbowing to various ffriends.

How I felt last month: Toppy with the occasional bottom pangs.

How I felt last year: super fucking confused, following a lot of doubt about my bottoming.

How I feel this year: curious. I notice my lust for bottoming quite often now. And for topping. And just for doing the big old FF. Versatile. So very versatile.

You see how it is in flux! Are you the same? Or would you like to be? Honestly, in these months/years where I’ve become apprehensive to bottom, I don’t want to beat myself up or be sad about the state I’m in. It simply is so, and it comes and goes, like clouds in the sky. And I quite enjoy when that feeling of wanting to bottom comes back, like it did yesterday. I didn’t act on it, didn’t make space in my day for it, but it was simply enough to observe that the lust was there, and is there today too. It makes me so curious about the future, when I know I will be bottoming more, and trusting more, and will be willing to make myself vulnerable to people again. The time will come when I get to enjoy my bottoming again just as much as I am enjoying my topping in the present.


The bottom line 😉

Your identity is just a view you have about yourself. You get to decide whether you fence yourself in or not. And evidence for what you like or what you trust yourself to do is based solely on past experiences and how much you let them influence you in the present. As I’ve shown above, things change. That’s the one constant we can count on in our lives.

Knowing one role can make you better at the other
In a phone call with one of my subscribers recently, a beginner fister, he told me that he identifies as a bottom but all he gets is guys wanting him to top them. I asked him to consider that he could be in the perfect place to learn the joy of topping, and also through topping he could learn things about bottoming. It takes two to tango, and if you know one side of the practice, you can enhance your skills in the other. It’s a ping-pong situation. When I top I find myself imagining the feeling of bottoming, and I coach the bottom as though I am him, because I know what it feels like to take an arm inside me. I was doing this just the other day with a friend, while others looked on, and it felt like the words were coming out my mouth without me even filtering them, it was such a direct and natural coaching experience. Because I’ve been the one taking that forearm in the sling, going through all the feelings, the breathing, the agonising ecstasy. Of course there are differences in individual preferences and capabilities, but overall we are all humans with similar bodies, thoughts and feelings (and thoughts and feelings about our thoughts and feelings), and that accounts for the connection we are capable of sharing, and the journey we are able to take each other on towards orgasm, ecstasy, paradise.

Knowledge is power. If you identify as one thing and not the other, I suggest you stop being so sure of what you think is true about yourself. Try something out, be creative and do with your body all the things you can, while you can. And to my second point: if you notice a general movement from bottom to top, or indeed top to bottom, embrace it, enjoy it, and know that these things are in flux. It’s only for today, sweetheart. Let’s not go making things bigger than they are.


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Reasons Not to Spray

Reasons Not to Spray

Trigger warning

My aim here is to inform about and to discourage the use of ethyl chloride sprays. If you are triggered by drug use and overdose, consider carefully whether you want to read this, especially the testimonials quoted further down in the article.

Common brands of ethyl chloride spray so you can recognise and avoid them:

Maximum Impact


Dr. Henning’s Spray

Red Czech




(not to be confused with Hardware poppers)

Quick intro

Ethyl chloride is a synthetic chemical that was used during the 20th century for various reasons, among them to induce general anaesthesia for hospital surgery, and to treat superficial injuries, eg. during sports. The latter use required it to be sprayable onto the skin, and it is this spray that some doofus fister somewhere at some point (back in the 70s I guess?) sprayed it onto a cloth and breathed it in, just like people sniff paint to get high. If inhaled, it enables depression of the central nervous system, allowing the anal muscles as well as inner guts to be stretched further without pain. People take it for the same reasons as taking poppers, to take the edge off, which is why the two are often confused. So far so good, right? WRONG, bitch! Poppers and ethyl chloride spray are vastly different substances that interact with the body in vastly different ways. Poppers are not nervous system related: they simply dilate the blood vessels, which improves blood flow and relaxes sphincter muscles.


Where poppers have been proven to not be deadly, inhaling ethyl chloride has been proven to be responsible for killing people. Poppers = ok. Maximum Impact spray = death in a can.

The sickest part is that there are companies that market the spray legally towards gay men, despite the evidence that it is deadly. All praise capitalism! It’s a similar progression to the poppers marketing explosion that happened over the last 50 years, the difference being that poppers are not a cause of death unless you drink them (read “Deep Sniff: a History of Poppers and Queer Futures” by the wonderful Adam Zmith). The masculine thrill of Maximum Impact, Hardware and Thunderbolt lure us in cunningly.

Also not helpful is that due to privacy reasons in coronary reports, researchers are prevented from being able to compile statistics on sex drug related deaths of any kind. If someone knows otherwise, please let me know, but this is my understanding. The studies that do exist documenting these deaths can only provide isolated case studies. This means we don’t even know the rate at which people in our community are dying from this drug.

It’s personal for me. I tried taking ethyl chloride spray a few times over the past 10 years, as I was curious about what kind of feeling it could enable and how it might be helpful for the chasm I wanted to create inside my butt. My first attempts were rubbish – I just went completely numb inside and wasn’t into the feeling at all. For that reason I would go for a year or more without trying it again, but the curiosity always crept back. The final time I ever tried it, it was suddenly amazing, no lie. I was taking huge doubles from a guy I love, having the time of my life. After the fisting party ended and everyone went to bed, I was so hooked on the feeling and result that I even continued playing secretly with some toys in the playroom alone, huffing on the spray as well as sniffing poppers for over an hour. Following this experience I became more curious to learn about this substance, and that is when I first read recounts online of people dying suddenly while using ethyl chloride spray. You can read some of these accounts from partners and friends of victims further below. Knowing what I know now, it is a small miracle I didn’t die during that session.

Then last year I heard via twitter that a fisting friend in New York died while playing alone, huffing ethyl chloride spray. He was 42 years old. His partner and I got in contact, and he told me all about what happened, and how he wanted to get the information out into the community that this substance kills.

I have tried writing this blog post so many times. This issue is the most serious thing I have ever tried writing about. Not only is it about the death of someone I knew, but it is about the mortality of us all in the pursuit of pleasure. Death and sex, a bizarre combination linked in many ways, both extreme, both ultimate, both suggesting danger and thrill. As fisters we are probably confronted with the idea of death by sex sooner or later, whether it be someone you know overdoses on drugs during fisting (I do not endorse drug use for sex, but aim to always reflect how the community is), or has a bowel perforation (heard of another one just today). I have had a big long reflection in recent years around both of these aspects that bring death close to our pleasure. My stance these days is to acknowledge and have respect for the inherent risk and play accordingly, and to minimize any extra, unnecessary risk. This means staying away from drugs that are going to increase risk significantly, such as this fucking spray.

There are 4 more things I want to share with you:
– More detailed info about how the spray works;
– 8 Testimonlials
– Final thoughts – starting a movement
– Further reading

More detailed info about how the spray works WebMD says:

This medication is used to prevent pain caused by injections and minor surgical procedures. It is also used for the temporary relief of minor sports injuries. Ethyl chloride also helps to relieve deep muscle pain when used with muscle stretching techniques. Ethyl chloride is a cooling substance that is applied to the skin to numb it. This medication is for use on the skin only. It is applied by a healthcare professional. Do not apply to broken skin or mucous membranes (such as inside the nose or mouth). Do not spray into the eyes. Do not inhale the spray.

So you can see why it’s helpful for stretching out your bott-bott. Notice how the guidelines say it’s for use on the skin only. Reminds you of poppers already, with its advice to use it as a room odouriser or to clean your DVDs. Maybe this is also why we are willing to ignore the advice – we have practice with that already with poppers, and that turned out fine. And just like poppers, people take it via breathing it into the lungs (from a cloth), and the effect hits your nervous system in no time. But the exchange that happens in your lungs causes a potentially deadly problem. My rudimentary understanding of science doesn’t allow for any better an explanation than this: the spray freezes or incapacitates the insides of the lungs, making the regular uptake of oxygen into the bloodstream difficult. The more you spray, the less functional your lungs become. Spray enough, or in the wrong circumstances, and your body is unable to receive a minimum requirement of oxygen, leading to complications such as heart attack and stroke. If your lungs aren’t able to get oxygen for longer than 4-6 mins, we’re talking death – the so-called sudden sniffing death also attributed towards sniffing paint, glue etc. Ethyl chloride seems to also be capable of causing other complications such as anemia and heart arrhythmia.

Personal testimonials from an online forum
In my search for personal recounts I found a forum on specifically about people’s experiences using ethyl chloride sprays. Below are some that I really want to share with you. Many statements involve death, addiction and brain damage, so consider yourself warned. Remember also that these are people from our own community. This is so close to home. I also noticed first-hand how difficult it was to leave the spray can alone that one time, and though the temptation still exists now, reading these comments is enough to help me distance myself from the substance and not use it. I must stress my recommendation that you do the same.

Testimonials retrieved from


Maximum Impact is death in a can. My husband is addicted to that outrageously priced product and he is a mess. He doesn’t even do it for sex, but just huffs it. The aerosol needs to be banned. It leads to huffing Computer Duster…It leads to Death.


My partner died June 28th from using it. It’s called Sudden Sniffing Death.


24. March 2017: My partner was using maximum impact and poppers for years before i met him. We used them during sex and I was worried he used too many, he would basically pass out. Then about three years into our relationship I discovered him in the bathtub using them. I thought he was getting ready to play with someone else, he was not. He did them by himself. He hurt himself many times, hot water burns, scrapes, cuts, I heard him fall in the next room, had to come in and pull the soaked cloth out of his clenched teeth. I begged and threatened and tried to get him to stop. I thought he did, more than once. We stopped using it together at all. Twice after that he showed up with slurred speech for several days, it was aphasia. He came out of it both times. I was so angry. I thought we were doing well, he said he was seeing a therapist. One night recently he didn’t come home. He was found dead in a no-tell motel, he had been using inhalants. Dead. This addiction went on for more than the decade I knew him. He. Is Now. Dead.


When I tried Max Impact I loved it, but I have heard of sudden sniffing death which makes me weary of continuing to use it. I also looked at the ingredients on the bottle and found that there were carcinogens (cancer causing agents) inside it, which also made me nervous. Does anyone know if alternatives like Bolt are prone to the same dangers? I loved the way it felt but I also enjoy being alive…


Pharmaceutically it is an anesthetic and prolonged or habitual use can lead to neurotoxicity or neural damage. I’ve read that the effects will go away after a period of time, but other medical papers on its toxicity aren’t as clear. Second issue is one of its anesthesia effects. Heavy use or breathing in too high of a concentration can render you unconscious with possible lethal consequences. Another side effect is that when you go out you may vomit all over and your bowels and bladder may release with decidedly messy consequences. If you inhale/aspirate your vomit you could also suffocate. As an anesthesia while you do get “high” or euphoric, it also may deaden your sexual arousal as apposed to poppers (nitrate inhalants). Be careful and used in a well ventilated area.


I use poppers Nitrate based poppers. Was seriously curious about Maximum impact and I showed up to a hook up where I witnessed a beautiful black stud built like a god, take a hit of maximum impact and he experienced a siezure like episode and he had two of them relating to his immediate inhalation. I believe he will die from his use if he doesn’t stop. I love my community of men and I want us to have fun, but after burying 47 friends from AIDS I refuse to not ask ouselves WTF are we doing. These are extroadinarily dangerous. Please dont use them .I am not judging just scared I will lose more friends and this data is in. They are not worth the dangerous risk.


I was using maximum impact, I noticed a pulsating behind my left ear after using it. I seen my doctor had Test’s done. Turned out the maximum impact had actually killed off my red blood cells causing anaemia. I spent 5 days in hospital having three blood transfusions and one iron infusion.

Please take my warning DO NOTuse maximum impact or other brands.

It’s deadly to humans.


ethyl chloride is an industrial solvent. it is NOT poppers. it’s known to cause sudden death. it sensitizes the heart to stimulants and can causes fatal arrhythmia. all that is in addition to permanent brain and peripheral nerve damage. you might as well be sniffing glue or K2r.

Final thoughts

The big question is what to do in the community to stop us from becoming addicted to and dying from this substance. Ultimately all you can do is educate yourself, consider the consequences for yourself and your partners, have open conversations, and decide what your boundaries are. This big question of course applies to all drugs that you might be confronted with during play.  I won’t lie when I say I have made and continue to make decisions which are borderline destructive behavour, but the older I get the better I finetune where my hard lines are, and I develop failsafes to stop where I would have otherwise continued, be it with poppers, rough fisting, other drugs, or the company I’m amongst. Take the time to reflect and decide where you want your hard lines to be. It can be difficult, because sometimes it means giving up a great pleasure that you think you can’t live without. But you can and you will. Also, don’t make yourself wrong for your habits – you’re a human being!

If you think you have signs of addictive behaviour and would like help, there are plenty of programs to apply to.
Alcoholics Anonymous will also handle addictions to other things such as drugs, gambling and sex addiction, as will Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

Alternatively, speak to your local health department for advice on where to go to get help for addiction and substance use.

The start of a movement?

One good thing came out of research and discussion together with a friend in Berlin. In the biggest pharmacy on the traditional gay street in Schöneberg, we noticed that ethyl chloride spray was displayed prominently on the gay shelf, together with other sex supplies such as lube, gloves and condoms. Though the pharmacy never admitted to knowing what they were doing, it was pretty obvious that this was being marketed towards gay men. With some pushy correspondence between my friend and the pharmacy, they eventually removed it from its prominent position in the gay section, thereby at the very least no longer promoting its use as a sex drug. One step at a time! Consider visiting your local pharmacies to get the ball rolling there, too.

Further reading:

Canadian Government statement about the difference between poppers and ethyl chloride (May 2019)

A case study of a death from ethyl chloride spray (first published 2019)

Be responsible for each other.
– Jazzmatazz