As I sit cross-legged in my living room with a hot cuppa, a light and constant rain outside the window, I decide to put off today’s visit to the gym for at least another hour while I divulge about a subject near and dear to my heart: bottom psychology. For clarity, I’m separating the information into a number of subheadings. This topic seems never-ending, so I’ll make a few edits later with extra topics and point of interest. Perhaps only a couple of aspects catch your eye; read those and feel free to keep the rest for another day, because it gets deep and complicated.
I’ve decided to split this entry up. Here you will find:
1. For the beginners
2. How do you like it?
3. Excitement and relaxation
Go to the next entry for:
4. Being a thirsty hoe
5. Poppering up and other fun things
6. The Black Hole Zone
1. For the beginners: on discomfort, trusting your top, and that last 10%
I won’t lie, I hate beginners. I hate teaching them, I hate the way they complain, and I hate slow and sensitive fisting unless it’s going deep. The one aspect of fisting I dislike more than training a bottom is training a top. Having said that, it needs to be done, so sometimes I take one for the team in the name of the fisting community. Of course it helps if my partner is drop dead gorgeous- who can refuse pretty eyes, nice hairy arms or a beautiful bubble ass? In my 2nd blog entry I prepped the budding bottom for his solo exploration. Now let’s talk about the psychology of actually doin’ it.
Between my main fist partner and I, we have this general rule, which is “Shut up and take it!” While it’s a joke, the idea is still relevant. Discomfort comes in various intensities and, when you feel it, it’s a good idea to assess it before simply saying “stop”. You might remember it from when you were so tight that getting a dick in felt painful. It’s not normally so painful that you can’t continue; it’s just super uncomfortable, unusual, and needs to be taken slowly until you get used to it. You also know that the longer you keep at it, the duller the ache becomes, often subsiding to nothing at all. Fisting is the same. I am of course talking about an ache or dull discomfort rather than a stabbing pain; the former might subside, while the latter means there’s something wrong. And I’m not saying ignore your body’s warning signs – stopping play is always an option. But so many times I have felt like I want to stop because of the discomfort, only to find that if I endure it for a few seconds it subsides. If convincing yourself alone doesn’t work, your partner can help, for example by holding a position and counting to 10, or punching you 10 or 20 times. Small, measurable results will help you work through any discomfort, with the intention that you loosen up so it goes away all together. This goes in the direction of submission, which can be fun if you have a good relationship to your top. It goes without saying that you should trust your top- with your life, at best-, so allowing him to control your ass shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. The real fun comes later, when you no longer feel any pain: your inner animal takes over, you find yourself looking hungrily into his eyes and without warning the words “take my cunt; do what you want, it’s all yours” come out of your mouth. More on that further below.
The last10% is an extension of trusting your top. I’ve dealt with this idea a few times with beginner bottoms, and every time it’s a real mind fuck. The idea is this: despite playing with toys and attempting several times to take a hand, you just can’t get past the knuckles. You’re in some crazy headspace of pleasure-pain-fear-excitement and thus you’re really in no position to judge whether or not things are going well. Thankfully, you have a very well composed and experienced top at your hole, and when you’re nearing the knuckles (the 90% mark) it’s time to give things over to him. Typically at this point the bottom totally freaks out because it’s a proper stretch, and any idea of ever wanting to have a fist in disappears. The bottom shouts “Stop, I can’t!”, and the top stops. This may happen several times, and often it’s game over. I say screw that shit. Have a good bottom-to-top talk, and agree that when it comes to the last 10%, your top will take your ass. The reality is your ass has been stretched to that limit a few times practicing, and your anatomy will not break when you go over the knuckles. You can take it, and you will take it if you let your top do his work. It will be painful, and it will be worth it. Of course, clarify this before you do it, and only do it with a top whom you trust. I’ve had bad experiences before where I’ve given the bottom his first fist, but he felt like I went too far. I don’t want to have that again. Communicate and achieve together. Once it’s in, you’ll feel proud, and the pleasure will show itself. You’re on the road to the most satisfying sexual pleasure a person can experience.
2. How do you like it?
Fisting is wonderful because in comparison to the penis the hand is so much more sensitive and capable of fine motion. Determine how you like to get fisted. Open hand or closed? Punching, deep punching, shallow punching, punching from far away (more like boxing- my alltime favourite), deep play, or simply sensitive turning and massage around the rectum? People normally have a preference, but the longer you fist the more open you are to all sorts of styles, and the more open your ass is to play around in. When I started I loved punching, and still do. Call it a natural talent. More recently I’ve really gotten into doubling, and also into depth play, both of which I would not have considered at all two years ago. Watch porn to see how others like to fist, and be curious to try new things. The bottom line: be open-minded but direct with your top about what you can handle and how you want him to move inside you.
3. Fear, excitement, and relaxation
An important aspect of bottom psychology is dealing with fear. Occasionally we hear about guys injuring themselves, and that freaks us out. Imagine your most beloved sexual practice causing you life-threatening harm? The struggle is real, and the risk should be taken seriously. Throughout the information including blogs, books and pamphlets about fisting, I always read that it’s much more difficult to do yourself damage than you think, and I believe that to be true. Having said that, you can never be too careful, especially if you’re starting out and still getting to know your body. Those guys who take it to the shoulder on film have been fisting for 15 years already, and know their colon inside out (some even literally). I must stress that the rectum is pretty sturdy, so don’t worry too much when beating that bitch with a bat. Things get less durable further up, so any exploration up there must be taken each millimetre at a time. I want to stick to the psychology rather than the anatomy here though, so simply rest assured that although it might sometimes feel like your insides are getting knifed, they’re really just getting a nice massage. Not bad, considering their daily life consists of being filled up with shit.
Side note: don’t do drugs. At least until you know how it all works, and not if you’re exploring something new. Party drugs help you get in the mood, but stop you from feeling pain. Not great if the pain is going to stop you from injuring yourself. More on that another time.
Another important aspect is how to marry your excitement with the necessary relaxation required for taking gargantuan things in your ass. In this order:
- Get in the zone. No phones, no email, no postal deliveries, no schedule, if possible.
- Be excited! It’s exciting! It’s truly amazing! Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
- Focus. Meditate, if that’s something you like to do. Take time out for you before you start. I like to have time to be alone, so douching is great for this. I focus on my body, my ass. I also LOVE the warm water against my butt.
- When you’re getting stuck into the fisting, you might get overexcited. It helps to focus on your top, looking him in the eyes. Another idea is to focus on breathing in and out (also a meditation technique), giving your mind something to concentrate on while other things can continue without you focusing on them. Tops should always offer eye contact, and lots of body contact including rubbing, kissing and biting. Sometimes all an anxious bottom needs is a good playful bite on the leg to stop him from concentrating so much on his stretching ass.
To be continued.