Articles: Jazzmatazz

How to be about injury

How to be about injury

MLFB: How to be with the risk of injury

Warning: I mention suicide and drug use here.

1. A story of injury
2. Hobbies come with risks
3. The pearl with a turd in it
4. Doing it anyway

1. A story of injury
I’m prompted to write this because in recent months I’ve been in more immediate contact with fisting injuries. We did a triple interview about it on the podcast in a recent episode,  plus more people whom I know personally are getting injured (I stop short of thinking this marks an increase in injuries – it must just be time passing and my circle of fisting contacts getting ever larger). Injury can be in the form of infections from fisting (monkeypox and bacterial infections from unwashed hands occur to me), and also from my favourite kind, the one that fascinates and scares me most, the colon perforation. That is the one I am focusing on here, though you could translate what I write to other kinds of injuries such as the abovementioned. 

So yeah, I’ve been in more immediate contact with the idea of colon perforation because it happened to a friend a few months ago, someone who I met before he was a fistee and someone I encouraged and coached a bit occasionally as he began his fisting journey. We fisted once and it was beautiful, he’s got a great hole and is a very sexy young man. Then more recently, while he had been playing with someone, he had texted me saying he was worried he might have injured himself, and I helped him calm himself down and wait and see, reminding him that while injuries are to be taken seriously, they are also rare. He decided to keep playing, and then went to sleep. Upon waking up, the pain was worse, so I recommended he go to the hospital. He had a perforation in his depths, at the depth where the elbow enters the asshole. He had emergency surgery, and I visited him in hospital a few days later. He recovered well, only needed one operation and no colostomy bag (hence not needing to go back and get it reversed again). He seems to be doing well.

Another friend last night took a full foot inside his butt. He’s a beauty, smart and sweet, with a huuuge hole that I wake up thinking of with a raging hard-on. He said the foot was “an interesting experience”, reminding me of what people who take a full foot usually say about it, i.e. that it isn’t a fist and doesn’t feel quite right and maybe not some pleasure to be running back to. Again I thought of the risk of injury, which of course is heightened with a foot because it is a) attached to a leg that is much more powerful than an arm and can therefore do much more damage if it goes wrong, and b) the foot is not nearly as sensitive in terms of nerve endings and doesn’t have the same practice in anal insertion as the hand does. (You have the same brain, so if you’re a good and sensitive fister, you’ll do just fine shoving your foot in someone, I’m sure. Nevertheless, the risk does exist, obviously). Thankfully the foot inserting sounds like it was sensible (as can be), and didn’t do any damage.

Hearing of both of these cases, I thought of an acquaintance back in Australia many years ago who was a voracious bottom, back when I wasn’t even a fister yet. He was cute, young, blond, muscled, smart, would have had a great future ahead of him. He perforated his bowel riding some poor man’s arm to/over the elbow while high on crystal meth, something that he must have been very practiced at doing to be at that extreme level. We weren’t close, so I only heard all of this second hand, but my understanding is that the injury was so bad that he had to have multiple surgeries (colostomy bag included). Because we weren’t friends, I don’t know to what extent this hampered his daily life or any details about the decline in his mental health, but I can tell you that his body changed completely, gaining a lot of fat in a very short time, and in his posts on facebook he was very open about his struggle with depression. He killed himself a couple of years later. He was a big Doctor Who fan. He was you, and me. 

So when I think about injury, I think about him. And I think about calculated risks, risks in the heat of the moment, and our responsibility for our bodies and for the bodies of our play partners. When we play, we (especially whoever is topping at the time) create a balance between pushing boundaries and lowering risk (the bottom shouldn’t need to be thinking about this as much while he is off flying somewhere on the ceiling). And when I hear about friends pushing boundaries in their butt, I have to just hope that the balance of risk and safety is not being pushed off too far. I get protective of my friends when I fist them, and even more so when someone else is fisting them. At first I want to admonish them for taking extra risks; secondly I think to myself if they’re going to do it I at least want myself to be the top so that I can control the risk vs safety balance…but what stupid, unrealistic, hubristic things for me to think! People are going to play however they play, and with whomever they play with, and the safety of their body cannot possibly be my responsibility in the sex they are having with others. Also I would be hypocritical: like all fisters, I enjoy playing with risk, and have taken some very extreme risks in the past and continue to take more in the present. 

I only have two solutions for this. One is to have open conversations about risk when necessary so that in the fisting community we are making risk reduction obvious and bankrupting its taboo, together. Talk about ways to reduce risk; be clear and overt about your risk reduction ideas during a session (eg. wearing gloves if playing in public, washing hands, even something simple like adding more lube). The other is to accept that accidents do happen, and some people unfortunately endure injury and learn lessons in the process. Anecdotally I gauge that only a very small portion of those who get injured die; but that doesn’t speak to the mental health and lifestyle restrictions that injuries inevitably come with for survivors. 

2. Hobbies come with risks

We as fisters take risks, perhaps even for various subconscious reasons based on our childhood or other factors (yep, still living out my teenage rebellion). You can’t expect a risk you take to produce a win 100% of the time. Like when you play tennis, you don’t expect to sprain your ankle, but you know that there is a small risk that that or any other imaginable tennis injury could happen. You play tennis anyway, because it’s fun and it’s exercise and it’s just all-round great. For fisting it’s fun and it’s sometimes exercise, it’s intimate connection and deep relaxation and exhilaration and it’s just all-round great too. So we accept that small amount of risk that comes along in the shopping cart. I don’t expect tennis players to talk about the risk of ankle sprains often, especially not directly before a training session or a match. Likewise with most partners it would be weird and mood-killing to talk about injury risk before a fisting session (though I know I’m not alone in having had such conversations at such times). But our art involves a risk that is far further towards the life-and-death end of the risk spectrum than if we were to assess tennis’s injury risk; accordingly we ought to be having conversations with our friends about risk minimisation, keeping ourselves in check about our risk taking, preferably at other moments over coffee. Or over bowling on Sunday. It can be helpful to hear how your partners think about injury, risk, and emergencies. It can build further trust and love. And if your partners are those who would sooner throw you out on the street than help you get to hospital (yes I have come into contact with such people), you might seriously consider whom you are allowing into your hole, Janice.

What could these conversations look like? If we take a general look like at the beginning, I mentioned hand washing as something we can talk about. If it comes to bowel perforation, we can talk about the responsibility of the top to go slow, be the calculating mind in the scene. We can talk about what to do when something goes wrong, a protocol of not dismissing your partner’s concern if they are worried they might have injured themselves; taking them to hospital if there are any doubts, and how to keep each other calm in those situations. Beyond that I really don’t know. But the last thing I would want is to be ill-prepared for an emergency situation; the second last thing I would want is to not have honestly considered and actively accepted the risk associated with my hand puppetry. Knowledge is power, baby. 

3. The pearl with a turd in it

The Netflix film “Stutz” is a sort of documentary featuring actor Jonah Hill and his psychiatrist, Dr. Phil Stutz (put aside for now whatever you might think of Jonah Hill). In conversation with Hill, Stutz gives us a bunch of tools for dealing with life better. One of these tools is “The pearl with a turd in it”. It goes like this: we go through life stringing pearls on a necklace. Every task we complete is a pearl that we string; but every pearl has a little turd inside it. So tasks have that little negative element, and even really awesome lovely tasks we have to do have that little bit of turd, the thing that isn’t pleasant, but we do the task anyway because the payoff is far more than the turd. Noticing and accepting this has been helpful for me. Take getting up out of bed as an example: the pearl is that getting out of bed we start our day and get to experience the fruits of that day; the turd is that we no longer get to snuggle in our warm bed, all comfortable, cozy and safe. Fisting’s the pearl, and the turd is the risk of injury. We accept the turd, it’s not going anywhere, and it doesn’t make the pearl any less a pearl.

4. Doing it anyway

So do. It. Anyway! This is for those of you who are intimidated by injury, as I have been on and off for my whole fisting timespan. Actually, I hope you are all like me: I hope you are intimidated by injury. I hope it doesn’t keep you up at night, but I hope you are able to have some proper respect for it. But do the fisty-fisty, the schlumpy-schmlumpy anyway. Take that risk. We’ve seen that there is an inherent risk, one that you can reduce through educating yourself and being in conversation with your partners. We accept the risk, and decide to play anyway, because living a life without risk is a life not worth living (thanks Hallmark™); it’s not having the pearl or the turd. Throw yourself into the risk properly and you can even have some erotic fun with the intimacy that the collective acceptance of such risk provides: trust is an intimately erotic thing to share. And pray to the fisting faeries that your injuries are few, and that you and your partners act appropriately if they do happen.

The takeaway

So remember the above, but remember perhaps as a bottom line to take care of your mental health in the present. We can’t completely remove the threat of injury, but we have a coping apparatus: our minds. If you injure yourself, and you already have some training in things like psychological tools and techniques (like the tool of the pearl with a turd in it), meditation, responsible and open communication, and practice being loving and good to yourself, then you are more likely to be able to manage your mental health through said injury. I speak from experience these days, having experienced psychological trauma in recent years. Our mental health is the one thing we have to cling to when anything terrible happens. We need to strengthen it and rely on it when the time comes, which inevitably it does in life. Tools for robust mental health are things kids should learn in every school. We should be supporting each other to openly talk about our fears, the risks we take or have taken, and in so doing, facing the realities of injury together.

Thanks so much for reading. 

– Jaz x

The Top/Bottom Fallacy

The Top/Bottom Fallacy

First a bit of an update! The blog site is undergoing an overhaul with my new web designer. We had our second meeting yesterday and I noticed just how detailed he is. We’ve made many fundamental design decisions already, and he’s working on all the finer details now. We even spent like 20 mins reducing 10 font options down to 3, which was something I’d never thought about before in my life haha. I’m excited. Thanks so much to my patreon subscribers for making this possible – your contribution is paying for this overhaul so that everyone can enjoy this hub of fisting information!

And now for the meat!

The Top/Bottom Fallacy

I find it questionable and tbh childish when people identify as tops or bottoms. Being top or bottom is a state, not an identity, and if we all accepted that outlook then we would all increase pleasure opportunities for ourselves and others.

When we were young…

I think I get it: it’s that we naturally gravitated to one of the two when first we started having sex, because it felt more natural, comfortable, easier, less vulnerable, less pressuring, or a partner decided that because they more comfortable with one role, you needed to be the other, and you liked them so you did it and became good at it.

But regardless of which role we choose, we feel like it chose us. We talk about bottoming and topping like it’s a superpower, something sacred, and we tend to shame the other role, probably to make ourselves feel superior, while also hankering desperately after the corresponding yang to our yin.

But hold on… You chose to be a pitcher or catcher, based on your circumstances, your partner at the time, or an early discovered skill, right? And you have the choice to expand your sexual palette as you like. It’s your life, your sexuality. I felt like I didn’t have the choice, but actually looking a bit closer, I did. I liked bottoming, I was damn good at bottoming, and still am good at bottoming- so much so that I became a fisting bottom, like many of you. Though it appears to go even one level deeper. A lot of us bang on all the time about heteronormativity invading our queer lives, and yet when it comes to the actual bedroom and our sexual identity, some of us fall life-long into this trap of being pitcher or catcher, sticking to a – possibly subconsciously steadfast – traditionally heteronormative male-female bedroom dynamic, when in most cases nobody made us do it except ourselves. Society doesn’t give a fuck about whether we top or bottom in the bedroom, and yet we continue to line up in two straight lines, like primary schoolers outside the classroom before school begins? Fuck that shit, man. Hell, we even know by now that not even heteros always follow these societal “norms”, and for the most part I think it’s us who showed them that that is ok, that they can live a life where they say fuck the man in their bedrooms. (Side note, it’s funny writing this, because I realise now what the author of the words “sex is political” means. Maybe we can’t block out the socio-political from sex. Ok now I’m thinking of a number of former Australian prime ministers standing in the corner watching me while I get my brains fucked out. Backpedaling straight out of this one.)

Here she comes to save the day!

And then come the versatiles, those anarchistic chaotic vers fuck boys that will take any pleasure they can get. How dare they fuck up the natural order of things! They’re just here to fuck up all the holes, including theirs. It’s me, hey 🙂 I’m one of them. And I’m here to tell you that this is the future of gay sex.

This boy is a bttm
A young friend of mine when we first met even used the term “the bottom community”, which made me snort-laugh so hard I peed my pants. I explained to him that no such community of trembling bottoms-in-waiting exists. He’s made leaps and bounds since then and we look back at that conversation and laugh.  I also explained that it is silly to block out one half of your pleasure potential, and in denying yourself you also deny others their pleasure. You know what I mean? Eg. if all you do is bottom, any versatile guy is not getting his ass opened up by you. Most of us have experienced or heard stories of some bottom who is unwilling to budge from his position as Crown Princess of Bottom Country, and it is annoying as fuck to anyone that isn’t a 100% top. Pleasure denial! It could be a kink if it weren’t so fucking sad.

Dear Tops
If you’re a 100% top, don’t think I’m not coming for you too. An older friend of mine back in Australia, a big tall burly redhead with a big cock, was adamant he can’t bottom. Because he tried it once, and it hurt. And he never tried it again. Waaaah, it hurt! Poor little top got a booboo. As you can see I’m not above shaming others, but you see how ridiculous that sounds, right? It’s like saying “I tried cupcakes once, and I didn’t like them.” Maybe a little analysis is due? Was the cake mix too dry? What flavour was the icing? You did remember to put icing on, right? Who were you eating cupcakes with, was the company good? You could go on: what time of day did you eat the cupcakes, what had you eaten beforehand, did you take your time or rush into the cupcake eating? Was the cupcake too big? Were you way too in your head about the cupcake eating, or were you truly present to just accept the cupcake experience without all these damn questions floating around in your silly himbo top mind? Did you try some poppers with the cupcake? Hm…

OK OK, I am being an asshole.
SO of course in the FF community the majority of people have reached a point where they are happily versatile. I have had this discussion with so many people in the FF community, namely about total bottoms, and in recent times when it comes up I take the side of the 100% bottoms, and here’s why: sometimes all I want to do is top, and I want to top someone who wants to just bottom. Because it’s nice, and we understand each other, and nobody is missing out. It’s all about nobody missing out. Sometimes I have a connection with someone that is specifically about us fitting into one role only, and I can’t really imagine swapping for them. Maybe you have it too. So actually if that is a thing in my head, it’s not that far of a leap to imagine a person who might never want to top someone, or bottom for someone. But to that I say, you might just not have found that person yet, or not trusted the possibility enough to take a leap of faith and give it a try.

So yeah, I can’t relate to not enjoying both roles, because for me it’s just so fucking nice to do both. If this isn’t you, fine, and I probably won’t convince you otherwise. But if nothing else, consider that Annette and Horst, the sweet, poor hetero neighbours downstairs, are missing out. She doesn’t know what a strap-on is, and he doesn’t give a second thought to why taking a dump every morning is the most pleasurable 5-20 mins of his day. We got the gift of not having to be like them, to be able to use our bodies’ pleasure potential to the fullest, and to thump away both ways from the room above, and ignore the letter of complaint written in the sweetest old lady handwriting the next day. Because we’re faggots, Harry, and fuck you.

Porgy and Bess

My husband and I started off as a bottom-and-top pair. I was the bottom, he was the top, and we thought we were going to live happily ever after like that. As we grew into our 30s, our high sex drive, open relationship and curiosity led to discovering ourselves in the opposite roles, and we grew up to be happily versatile adults. Mature. Versatile. Adults. If you haven’t taken the plunge yet, it is most likely overdue. And if you try it and don’t like it, change something about it and try again. Change your partner, the setting, the time of day. Change something. Experiment. Stop denying yourself and your partners the other side of pleasure.

Thou shalt fist top
Fisting was actually my gateway to becoming versatile. Before then I wasn’t very confident as a cock top, though I did like the feeling. Keeping my dick up in front of others made me feel under pressure, and that made it go soft. Fist topping made me much more aware of the pleasure I can give others and receive myself at the same time, in a less high pressure situation. Through it I experienced the vast cloud of experiences I can have as the top partner, without the pressure of keeping my dick hard. It took a lot of practice, but these days (without wanting to sound like a wanker) I have come to relate to my arms as sex organs when I’m fisting. My brain has become wired that way after lots of practice, experiencing pleasure and enabling pleasure in others. The bonus is that through fisting I have now gained confidence in cock topping as well – I don’t get nervous about it anymore because I don’t need to use my dick. I use my hands, and if my dick gets hard, I use that too. I’ve even discovered in my 30s that I’m a multi cummer. Haha. So thank you fisting.


…Because it’s good for you!!

I also love the creativity of fist topping. I have my successful techniques, a palette from which to work, but mostly it is impulsive creativity, an Improvisation on a Hole and the guy I am fisting, because everyone is different, from the physical to the communication. I’m a musician so I identify it withimprovisation and composition, which is simply low pressure improvisation in slow motion. If you are a musician, writer, or a dancer, or an architect, or a painter, sculptor, designer or cook, a programmer, or if you do these and similar things or do things involving problem solving or imagination, your brain is operating all the time in a similar way to when you fist top: having an idea, running with it, and finding the pleasure in the process and the result. Being in flow. And here’s a little golden nugget for you: if you don’t think you’re creative, think again. Humans are creative. Humans are problem solvers. And even if the only time you feel like you’re being creative is while you fist, well enjoy that, and get as much practice as you can, because creative thinking is the highest form of exercise for your brain. See Bloom’s Taxonomy.

Doing the work on myself
I used to be 60-40 bottom for fisting, because while I really liked to top, I looooooved to bottom and that drove my lust to meet people and fist, and to endure the preparation process beforehand. Then recently after lots of water under the bridge I started to identify as 40-60 top. But is that really the truth? I noticed that identifying with this makes me unhappy, because I know I love to bottom, and I miss it. I stopped bottoming so much when life got hard, and I stopped trusting people so easily and have been reluctant to make myself vulnerable to people. But in the rare moments when I do bottom, I still have a great time, and nothing is wrong with my butt. This identifying with being top or bottom is something I fundamentally disagree with, so why have I been calling myself first 60-40 and now 40-60? Isn’t that the same damn thing as people who say they are bottom only or top only? It’s like I’ve had one standard for everyone else and another for myself.

So here’s my new approach.

Identity: versatile.

Status: in flux.

How I feel today: kinda bottomy.

How I felt yesterday: kinda bottomy too (I even wanted to play with some toys but didn’t get around to it. I’m so busy these months and don’t make time for attending to my own ass.)

How I felt last week: super toppy. Had a great time fisting to my heart’s content, sucking on prolapse and giving some solid elbowing to various ffriends.

How I felt last month: Toppy with the occasional bottom pangs.

How I felt last year: super fucking confused, following a lot of doubt about my bottoming.

How I feel this year: curious. I notice my lust for bottoming quite often now. And for topping. And just for doing the big old FF. Versatile. So very versatile.

You see how it is in flux! Are you the same? Or would you like to be? Honestly, in these months/years where I’ve become apprehensive to bottom, I don’t want to beat myself up or be sad about the state I’m in. It simply is so, and it comes and goes, like clouds in the sky. And I quite enjoy when that feeling of wanting to bottom comes back, like it did yesterday. I didn’t act on it, didn’t make space in my day for it, but it was simply enough to observe that the lust was there, and is there today too. It makes me so curious about the future, when I know I will be bottoming more, and trusting more, and will be willing to make myself vulnerable to people again. The time will come when I get to enjoy my bottoming again just as much as I am enjoying my topping in the present.


The bottom line 😉

Your identity is just a view you have about yourself. You get to decide whether you fence yourself in or not. And evidence for what you like or what you trust yourself to do is based solely on past experiences and how much you let them influence you in the present. As I’ve shown above, things change. That’s the one constant we can count on in our lives.

Knowing one role can make you better at the other
In a phone call with one of my subscribers recently, a beginner fister, he told me that he identifies as a bottom but all he gets is guys wanting him to top them. I asked him to consider that he could be in the perfect place to learn the joy of topping, and also through topping he could learn things about bottoming. It takes two to tango, and if you know one side of the practice, you can enhance your skills in the other. It’s a ping-pong situation. When I top I find myself imagining the feeling of bottoming, and I coach the bottom as though I am him, because I know what it feels like to take an arm inside me. I was doing this just the other day with a friend, while others looked on, and it felt like the words were coming out my mouth without me even filtering them, it was such a direct and natural coaching experience. Because I’ve been the one taking that forearm in the sling, going through all the feelings, the breathing, the agonising ecstasy. Of course there are differences in individual preferences and capabilities, but overall we are all humans with similar bodies, thoughts and feelings (and thoughts and feelings about our thoughts and feelings), and that accounts for the connection we are capable of sharing, and the journey we are able to take each other on towards orgasm, ecstasy, paradise.

Knowledge is power. If you identify as one thing and not the other, I suggest you stop being so sure of what you think is true about yourself. Try something out, be creative and do with your body all the things you can, while you can. And to my second point: if you notice a general movement from bottom to top, or indeed top to bottom, embrace it, enjoy it, and know that these things are in flux. It’s only for today, sweetheart. Let’s not go making things bigger than they are.


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Reasons Not to Spray

Reasons Not to Spray

Trigger warning

My aim here is to inform about and to discourage the use of ethyl chloride sprays. If you are triggered by drug use and overdose, consider carefully whether you want to read this, especially the testimonials quoted further down in the article.

Common brands of ethyl chloride spray so you can recognise and avoid them:

Maximum Impact


Dr. Henning’s Spray

Red Czech




(not to be confused with Hardware poppers)

Quick intro

Ethyl chloride is a synthetic chemical that was used during the 20th century for various reasons, among them to induce general anaesthesia for hospital surgery, and to treat superficial injuries, eg. during sports. The latter use required it to be sprayable onto the skin, and it is this spray that some doofus fister somewhere at some point (back in the 70s I guess?) sprayed it onto a cloth and breathed it in, just like people sniff paint to get high. If inhaled, it enables depression of the central nervous system, allowing the anal muscles as well as inner guts to be stretched further without pain. People take it for the same reasons as taking poppers, to take the edge off, which is why the two are often confused. So far so good, right? WRONG, bitch! Poppers and ethyl chloride spray are vastly different substances that interact with the body in vastly different ways. Poppers are not nervous system related: they simply dilate the blood vessels, which improves blood flow and relaxes sphincter muscles.


Where poppers have been proven to not be deadly, inhaling ethyl chloride has been proven to be responsible for killing people. Poppers = ok. Maximum Impact spray = death in a can.

The sickest part is that there are companies that market the spray legally towards gay men, despite the evidence that it is deadly. All praise capitalism! It’s a similar progression to the poppers marketing explosion that happened over the last 50 years, the difference being that poppers are not a cause of death unless you drink them (read “Deep Sniff: a History of Poppers and Queer Futures” by the wonderful Adam Zmith). The masculine thrill of Maximum Impact, Hardware and Thunderbolt lure us in cunningly.

Also not helpful is that due to privacy reasons in coronary reports, researchers are prevented from being able to compile statistics on sex drug related deaths of any kind. If someone knows otherwise, please let me know, but this is my understanding. The studies that do exist documenting these deaths can only provide isolated case studies. This means we don’t even know the rate at which people in our community are dying from this drug.

It’s personal for me. I tried taking ethyl chloride spray a few times over the past 10 years, as I was curious about what kind of feeling it could enable and how it might be helpful for the chasm I wanted to create inside my butt. My first attempts were rubbish – I just went completely numb inside and wasn’t into the feeling at all. For that reason I would go for a year or more without trying it again, but the curiosity always crept back. The final time I ever tried it, it was suddenly amazing, no lie. I was taking huge doubles from a guy I love, having the time of my life. After the fisting party ended and everyone went to bed, I was so hooked on the feeling and result that I even continued playing secretly with some toys in the playroom alone, huffing on the spray as well as sniffing poppers for over an hour. Following this experience I became more curious to learn about this substance, and that is when I first read recounts online of people dying suddenly while using ethyl chloride spray. You can read some of these accounts from partners and friends of victims further below. Knowing what I know now, it is a small miracle I didn’t die during that session.

Then last year I heard via twitter that a fisting friend in New York died while playing alone, huffing ethyl chloride spray. He was 42 years old. His partner and I got in contact, and he told me all about what happened, and how he wanted to get the information out into the community that this substance kills.

I have tried writing this blog post so many times. This issue is the most serious thing I have ever tried writing about. Not only is it about the death of someone I knew, but it is about the mortality of us all in the pursuit of pleasure. Death and sex, a bizarre combination linked in many ways, both extreme, both ultimate, both suggesting danger and thrill. As fisters we are probably confronted with the idea of death by sex sooner or later, whether it be someone you know overdoses on drugs during fisting (I do not endorse drug use for sex, but aim to always reflect how the community is), or has a bowel perforation (heard of another one just today). I have had a big long reflection in recent years around both of these aspects that bring death close to our pleasure. My stance these days is to acknowledge and have respect for the inherent risk and play accordingly, and to minimize any extra, unnecessary risk. This means staying away from drugs that are going to increase risk significantly, such as this fucking spray.

There are 4 more things I want to share with you:
– More detailed info about how the spray works;
– 8 Testimonlials
– Final thoughts – starting a movement
– Further reading

More detailed info about how the spray works WebMD says:

This medication is used to prevent pain caused by injections and minor surgical procedures. It is also used for the temporary relief of minor sports injuries. Ethyl chloride also helps to relieve deep muscle pain when used with muscle stretching techniques. Ethyl chloride is a cooling substance that is applied to the skin to numb it. This medication is for use on the skin only. It is applied by a healthcare professional. Do not apply to broken skin or mucous membranes (such as inside the nose or mouth). Do not spray into the eyes. Do not inhale the spray.

So you can see why it’s helpful for stretching out your bott-bott. Notice how the guidelines say it’s for use on the skin only. Reminds you of poppers already, with its advice to use it as a room odouriser or to clean your DVDs. Maybe this is also why we are willing to ignore the advice – we have practice with that already with poppers, and that turned out fine. And just like poppers, people take it via breathing it into the lungs (from a cloth), and the effect hits your nervous system in no time. But the exchange that happens in your lungs causes a potentially deadly problem. My rudimentary understanding of science doesn’t allow for any better an explanation than this: the spray freezes or incapacitates the insides of the lungs, making the regular uptake of oxygen into the bloodstream difficult. The more you spray, the less functional your lungs become. Spray enough, or in the wrong circumstances, and your body is unable to receive a minimum requirement of oxygen, leading to complications such as heart attack and stroke. If your lungs aren’t able to get oxygen for longer than 4-6 mins, we’re talking death – the so-called sudden sniffing death also attributed towards sniffing paint, glue etc. Ethyl chloride seems to also be capable of causing other complications such as anemia and heart arrhythmia.

Personal testimonials from an online forum
In my search for personal recounts I found a forum on specifically about people’s experiences using ethyl chloride sprays. Below are some that I really want to share with you. Many statements involve death, addiction and brain damage, so consider yourself warned. Remember also that these are people from our own community. This is so close to home. I also noticed first-hand how difficult it was to leave the spray can alone that one time, and though the temptation still exists now, reading these comments is enough to help me distance myself from the substance and not use it. I must stress my recommendation that you do the same.

Testimonials retrieved from


Maximum Impact is death in a can. My husband is addicted to that outrageously priced product and he is a mess. He doesn’t even do it for sex, but just huffs it. The aerosol needs to be banned. It leads to huffing Computer Duster…It leads to Death.


My partner died June 28th from using it. It’s called Sudden Sniffing Death.


24. March 2017: My partner was using maximum impact and poppers for years before i met him. We used them during sex and I was worried he used too many, he would basically pass out. Then about three years into our relationship I discovered him in the bathtub using them. I thought he was getting ready to play with someone else, he was not. He did them by himself. He hurt himself many times, hot water burns, scrapes, cuts, I heard him fall in the next room, had to come in and pull the soaked cloth out of his clenched teeth. I begged and threatened and tried to get him to stop. I thought he did, more than once. We stopped using it together at all. Twice after that he showed up with slurred speech for several days, it was aphasia. He came out of it both times. I was so angry. I thought we were doing well, he said he was seeing a therapist. One night recently he didn’t come home. He was found dead in a no-tell motel, he had been using inhalants. Dead. This addiction went on for more than the decade I knew him. He. Is Now. Dead.


When I tried Max Impact I loved it, but I have heard of sudden sniffing death which makes me weary of continuing to use it. I also looked at the ingredients on the bottle and found that there were carcinogens (cancer causing agents) inside it, which also made me nervous. Does anyone know if alternatives like Bolt are prone to the same dangers? I loved the way it felt but I also enjoy being alive…


Pharmaceutically it is an anesthetic and prolonged or habitual use can lead to neurotoxicity or neural damage. I’ve read that the effects will go away after a period of time, but other medical papers on its toxicity aren’t as clear. Second issue is one of its anesthesia effects. Heavy use or breathing in too high of a concentration can render you unconscious with possible lethal consequences. Another side effect is that when you go out you may vomit all over and your bowels and bladder may release with decidedly messy consequences. If you inhale/aspirate your vomit you could also suffocate. As an anesthesia while you do get “high” or euphoric, it also may deaden your sexual arousal as apposed to poppers (nitrate inhalants). Be careful and used in a well ventilated area.


I use poppers Nitrate based poppers. Was seriously curious about Maximum impact and I showed up to a hook up where I witnessed a beautiful black stud built like a god, take a hit of maximum impact and he experienced a siezure like episode and he had two of them relating to his immediate inhalation. I believe he will die from his use if he doesn’t stop. I love my community of men and I want us to have fun, but after burying 47 friends from AIDS I refuse to not ask ouselves WTF are we doing. These are extroadinarily dangerous. Please dont use them .I am not judging just scared I will lose more friends and this data is in. They are not worth the dangerous risk.


I was using maximum impact, I noticed a pulsating behind my left ear after using it. I seen my doctor had Test’s done. Turned out the maximum impact had actually killed off my red blood cells causing anaemia. I spent 5 days in hospital having three blood transfusions and one iron infusion.

Please take my warning DO NOTuse maximum impact or other brands.

It’s deadly to humans.


ethyl chloride is an industrial solvent. it is NOT poppers. it’s known to cause sudden death. it sensitizes the heart to stimulants and can causes fatal arrhythmia. all that is in addition to permanent brain and peripheral nerve damage. you might as well be sniffing glue or K2r.

Final thoughts

The big question is what to do in the community to stop us from becoming addicted to and dying from this substance. Ultimately all you can do is educate yourself, consider the consequences for yourself and your partners, have open conversations, and decide what your boundaries are. This big question of course applies to all drugs that you might be confronted with during play.  I won’t lie when I say I have made and continue to make decisions which are borderline destructive behavour, but the older I get the better I finetune where my hard lines are, and I develop failsafes to stop where I would have otherwise continued, be it with poppers, rough fisting, other drugs, or the company I’m amongst. Take the time to reflect and decide where you want your hard lines to be. It can be difficult, because sometimes it means giving up a great pleasure that you think you can’t live without. But you can and you will. Also, don’t make yourself wrong for your habits – you’re a human being!

If you think you have signs of addictive behaviour and would like help, there are plenty of programs to apply to.
Alcoholics Anonymous will also handle addictions to other things such as drugs, gambling and sex addiction, as will Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

Alternatively, speak to your local health department for advice on where to go to get help for addiction and substance use.

The start of a movement?

One good thing came out of research and discussion together with a friend in Berlin. In the biggest pharmacy on the traditional gay street in Schöneberg, we noticed that ethyl chloride spray was displayed prominently on the gay shelf, together with other sex supplies such as lube, gloves and condoms. Though the pharmacy never admitted to knowing what they were doing, it was pretty obvious that this was being marketed towards gay men. With some pushy correspondence between my friend and the pharmacy, they eventually removed it from its prominent position in the gay section, thereby at the very least no longer promoting its use as a sex drug. One step at a time! Consider visiting your local pharmacies to get the ball rolling there, too.

Further reading:

Canadian Government statement about the difference between poppers and ethyl chloride (May 2019)

A case study of a death from ethyl chloride spray (first published 2019)

Be responsible for each other.
– Jazzmatazz

A Few Truths About the Fisting Community

A Few Truths About the Fisting Community

Some of you will know by now that I’ve been dividing my blog up a bit differently since launching, exploring bigger themes in more depth. My first big theme within this new format was prolapses, and if you go to my homepage you’ll get practically slapped across the face by one. And now, for my next theme! Community.

It’s one we do seem to struggle with indeed, myself included. Exploring the idea of community has involved a lot of discussion with ffriends, some new reading of bits of books and drawing on some of my prior knowledge, and a lot of mulling over, to come to some conclusions that I hope you find helpful for your understanding of the fisting community and your place in it.

I want you remember that this is based on my own experience, meaning I haven’t had to face discrimination in the community based on my skin colour, size, age (yet) or gender. To people for whom this is a struggle, you will find my explanation here eye-rollingly naive I suspect. Some People of Colour have recommended I amend this with an acknowledgement of the struggles of minorities within the fisting community, and that’s what this is. I am also in discussion with a supporter who is a POC about an article he might write in future discussing the issue.

 I’ve distilled this community article into three observations. See if these sound familiar to you:

1. The community is so loose.

2. You’re standing at the window, looking in.

3. Micro-communities are the real essence of community.

Let’s unpack.

1. The community is sooooo loose.
Lol. Yes, it is! Most of the fisters in the world are people you will never even speak to, let alone have sex with. The fisters you know are the ones in your area, and beyond that the ones who have slid into your DMs or are generally very vocal online, and the people you meet during your or others’ travels. Everyone else doesn’t mean anything to you and you don’t mean anything to them.

On the Such FFun podcast we’ve said before that being a fister puts you in a special club – and it does! – but don’t go mistaking that club for any reason to feel like it has a center, or that it is in any way supportive or necessarily has your best interests at heart. Being part of the fist club simply means a mutual understanding. It means you’ve got a big hole, so do I, therefore I don’t judge you for having a big hole and I want you to experience all the pleasure you want with that big hole of yours, ya big old holey hole. What the fist club doesn’t offer is intimacy or familiarity. When people say they don’t feel part of the fisting community, these are the things they are unfulfilled about. Though like in any worldwide community, this is unrealistic to expect. Just as any Christian might have some shared values with another Christian, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will get along, or find intimacy or familiarity. We are loose, as that is our nature. Let’s not go pretending that we should be any tighter; the Christians aren’t.

Here’s an exception: of course it is lovely and holesome when you gather some fisters together socially and have a great time. That is no longer the fisting community as a whole, but rather already a micro-community. More on that in a moment. The first and most important point is to not be disappointed that the worldwide fisting community isn’t closer or somehow more welcoming. It can’t possibly be. Indeed, it’s only in recent decades that we’ve come together through the internet, and made fisting wildly more visible and accepted, and therefore popular. Celebrate that, but be realistic with the knowledge that that is not what makes a supportive community. We simply share a lot more of our porn with each other, commend each other on the size of our holes, and maybe that’s as far as the connection usually goes.

Of course if you travel, the wider FF community is helpful as you can meet people easily from where you are visiting. Make use of this network gratefully, but don’t expect it full-time. I know a lot of fisters around the world, and mostly we get in contact if we are travelling and have the option to meet; if not, the contact will drop off. We all have busy lives to lead, partners to feed, ladders to climb, and of course a handful of local fisters to meet to fulfill our immediate needs. Don’t confuse this for people not wanting you, even when it comes to locals. You are wanted, you are enough. And sometimes when you bump into fellow fisters by chance, you’re reminded of how you do have friends in all sorts of places, some of whom will come to your aid when you might need, be it for a good fisting, recommendations for new playmates, or even a referral to a good lawyer who can help you in your pending twitter porn case (see my twitter).

2. You’re standing at the window, looking in.
Do you get that feeling? Maybe you’re new to fisting, and find it difficult to penetrate the community. Or maybe you’ve been fisting for years but you tend to notice people hooking up without you and don’t understand why you’re being left out. Your fisting friends seem to know more fisters than you do, or you can’t remember how long it’s been since you last fisted, and it seems like everyone else is having more fun than you, ignoring you, not wanting you, because you’re different, other, an outsider. I think you know what I’m gonna say: we all feel it. This is each of us, and one potential source for it I’ve been considering is a childhood of gay shame.

Gay kids are pushed away, often before they even know what gay is. It starts as an interest in different things to other boys (or girls if you want me to be PC, though for ease I’m gonna stick to boys); we get bullied at school for preferring to sing or read over playing sports or punching each other (hah!),, and when the first crushes happen it’s simultaneously the best and the worst thing. We feel like weirdos, like we have a horrible secret, and are in many situations treated nastily by our idiot child peers. At some point we have to acknowledge that what the kids have been teasing us about is true, and we can’t wish it away no matter how hard we might try. Then the time comes when we need to come out, because we feel we are about to explode, and alone the prospect of it is immensely stressful, and makes our feeling of being other and rejected go through the roof even before we utter the words. Now, every human being is met with with some kind of trauma and shame in childhood that leads to their need to stand out, or be good, or be nice, or be aggressive or whatever way they develop into adulthood. But for us gays it’s more sinister, because our gay shame was born of an existential threat: of our parents kicking us out, or of us being bashed to death, or even the dread of dying of AIDS. Regardless of how our parents and friends react to the actual coming out, it’s the dread, the catastrophising, that has already consumed our imaginations and played a film in our heads a thousand times of the ostracising and the bullying at school, the family breakdown at home, and the ultimate loneliness we are surely destined to feel, if we indeed do survive the ordeal. And while we look back now and don’t believe it still haunts us (after all, we have friends, we have community, we love and are loved, we are safe and the coming out is for most of us so far in the past now), the trauma happened. It exists, because it happened in our minds, no matter how easily the coming out turned out to be. It plays itself out in our lives in various ways. One of the ways is here, in the fisting community, where we all feel like we might be missing out: that there is a center to the fisting community and we are definitely not it.

You might not think that gay trauma applies to you; I didn’t. I’ve read about it a number of times, and forgotten about it as many times, but just this week I’ve been reading a book about it again with the specific intention of understanding more about the idea of the fisting community within the broader gay community. I am realising now that my gay trauma is real. As I said, the results of gay trauma seem to play out differently: my husband has aggression when things don’t work out perfectly (which is always); I push people away as a way to protect myself before they have the opportunity to reject me. For me it can be traced all the way back to one of my earliest memories, when my parents read me a children’s book where a penguin had no friends at the playground.. By the end of the book I was bawling my eyes out. My parents asked why I was crying, and I said because the penguin didn’t have any friends. Despite them explaining that the penguin found a friend in the end, I fixated on not having any friends, and had worked out that that penguin was me. I must have been three years old. I didn’t know anything, but I had it in my head that I was different and nobody would want me. Thinking about it still makes me cry. And still now as a reflex I push people away and don’t maintain contact with my friends, so I can reject them before they have the chance to reject me. (Of course, all I really want is to love and be loved, and for us all to be happy, which is why I do things like write this blog, and talk on Such FFun, and make music for a living.)

And so you stand at the window of the fisting mansion, looking in at all the guys having a blast, living their best fisting life, posting it all over the internet. Theirs surely is 100% magical-orgasmical, and their intimacy is better than yours; they’re laughing their way through life, are taking much more in their butts than you ever will, and there is no sign of gay trauma or struggle of any kind. They’re more muscular and lean than you, have a full head of hair, have the right skin colour, are young and beautiful and attract all the guys, are not at all shy, are friends with everyone and fist a few times a week. They’re the most popular girls in school, and you’re not.

Except there’s nobody in that house. We are all weirdos with gay shame. We are all standing at the window, looking into an empty room. And we are terrified of anyone finding out. And there is only one solution I’ve found to stop this pattern: find your people. Create your own community, no matter how small.

3. Micro-communities are the real essence of the fisting community.
(I say this while currently having not many local fisting friends in Berlin, because I put some explosives under my intimate relationships last year that were well overdue, and am building back better, slowly but surely.) I remember when I was fisting a hell of a lot about 2 years ago, a frequent fisting friend of mine would talk about his feeling of missing out: why weren’t we invited to so-and-so’s party, what about all the fun they were having without us? And I said to him fuck it! Look at us and the fun we’re having. While I’m fisting, nobody else out there beyond these walls exists. In here is where my fisting community is, and nowhere else. It doesn’t matter if you are two people or twenty: your fisting community is the people with whom you are playing right now, or at your next session. You are accepted, you are loved, you are enough, no matter how much you take in your butt, or how much hair you have on your head, no matter the colour of your skin or how old you are, how you express yourself or how often you fist. Your community is the fisters who like to fist with you, or even just like to hang out with you over coffee. And that too can be fleeting. Community is most often a moment in time. But the moments are golden, and they belong to you. The memories of them stay with you, and they get to mean more to you than your gay trauma.

Building a lasting community is tricky. I hear of its success in places like Chicago and Melbourne, and have had the pleasure of experiencing the former, with the latter on my list for the end of this year. These places foster action, with organisation and effort from multiple people to have bigger events, social as well as sexual. And they are made up of smaller micro-communities that meet more often. And the reputation that these groups have attract more people to the city, and the community grows, almost organically. But then they are cared for, by people who want to give themselves for the cause. That needs you as well, so consider helping to organise an event in future in your area. After all, you are the community, it exists within your walls.

It doesn’t matter where you are or who you are. Build yourself a community of between 2 and x number of people, and don’t focus on what is happening out there without you, for that is giving in to the picture of the ffisty mansion where you are standing at the window looking in, and that is just a fairy tale of gay shame.

A further recommendation: delete twitter periodically
Social media is the thing that causes us to compare our lives with others the most. I delete twitter as well as hookup apps periodically and find I enjoy myself much more unplugged. I’ve found doing this very helpful in stabilising myself and becoming comfortable with my fisting how I like to do it, which could lately be best described as infrequent, cathartic, and more on the private side. I guess my porno criminal charge came at a good time 😀

If you appreciate this and want to support me and my writing please join me at

Reading list:

Matthew Todd: Straight Jacket. Overcoming Society’s Legacy of Gay Shame. Penguin Books, 2018.

Alan Downs: The Velvet Rage. Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World. Hachette Books, 2012.

Prolapse Month! Part III – Interview With a Prolapse: Buskowianka

Prolapse Month! Part III – Interview With a Prolapse: Buskowianka

Buskowianka is a bit different to the other prolapsers I have been in contact with. For one he’s a straight guy, and seems to do all his anal play by himself. I find it fascinating when a straight guy goes for this, so I wanted to ask him about his journey.

Find Buskowianka here:

Read my other Prolapse Month articles:
 Part I: Prolapses: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Part II: Interviewing Timmyph, Thunderhoof and HungerFF

1. Tell us about the beginnings of your prolapse. How long ago did you begin? What gave you the idea in the first place to train it? Was it a natural thing you noticed and decided to enhance, or did you grow it from nothing?
My journey began around 2015. At that time I was browsing through some porn and noticed female pornstars able to prolapse just a little bit. I was unable to get any information regarding how to proceed with prolapsing so decided to try it out on my own. I was desperate to get a small mucosal prolapse that would be just slightly sticking out 🙂 Little did I know back then, that as soon as I hit 5 cm diameter capability, I would prolapse but much more than expected! Guess I’ve gone too hard too quickly. It took me around 6 months to be able to take up 5cm wide buttplugs and I believe that was the major factor that started prolapse in my case. I used to train my anus daily, truly fantastic experience haha. I believe it was matter of hard work rather than any sort of genetic predisposition etc. I used to be stuck with small prolapse for months and I always pushed myself to go further, to discover new methods how can I improve and speed up the process. I’ve invested lots of my free time into researching reasons behind the prolapse as well.

2. What do you like most about your prolapse? Are there any specific physical characteristics about yours that you particularly enjoy? And what about the act of prolapsing, what turns you on about training it and having it?
Being able to play with it whenever I want! I’ve always dreamt about having prolapse so big that I would be able to casually push it out and I achieved it. Of course, currently my goals have changed and I’m still wishing for a bigger size. I love how pinkish it looks, how wet it becomes with just a a little arousal and how it always leaves a wet mark on my underwear whenever I’m in the right mood. It’s the sight of increasing length that gives me motivation to pursue my dreams. Whenever I imagine I could possibly be the only person with such a prolapse, it sends my sex-drive over the roof!

Another thing is I’ve always dreamt about being able to casually push out my prolapse and then use it as a toy – you know, wrap it around my penis and stroke until I achieve bliss 😊 However, that still belongs to my dreams.

3. Do you see it as a purely positive aspect of your body? Are there any negatives, eg. issues going to the toilet; incontinence; prolapsing by accident etc.
Nowadays, I dont see any negatives to having a prolapse of my size. In the beginning I used to deal with lots of bloating and constipation. It took a serious amount of time until I managed to adjust my habits, eg. eating and daily routine to avoid such stuff. Surprisingly, I dont have such symptoms anymore.

I dont notice any sign of incontinence either, apart from some moments when I make dietary mistake and suffer from its consequences – diarrhea can be unbearable for me. Meaning, most probably I wouldn’t reach the toilet on time. That’s a negative. But never had any issues regarding prolapsing by accident. It does only protrude slightly while bearing heavily ex. Heavy objects.  On the other hand, having a prolapse means it’s much easier to clean myself and prepare for anal play. I can always use it for self pleasure and I immensely enjoy the fact that it’s never going to turn back to normal again. 🥰

4. What’s the timing of your training regimen like? It seems like you have periods where you train every day, and then stop to have a recovery period to let your guts return to normal digestive function. Is this out of caution, or have you had problems before?
I often train just before going to sleep. I believe this helps to gain the extra length, as muscles are already worked up from a long day, I find it much easier for myself to train at this time of the day. Letting myself rest is important in my training regime, my best routine involves playing each day until bowel movement happens. Then I give myself a few days of rest to normalize everything and ensure progress has been made. I’ve had no problems related to bowel functioning but noticed they are working much faster if I play too often.

5. What is it like being a straight guy who pleasures his asshole?
Hmmm. Quite normal I guess. Meaning, I find it natural to seek pleasure within my own body. Learning to pleasure yourself doesn’t imply you are gay or straight. Personally, I find it quite arousing when people look at my pics and act surprised saying: wow, straight guy playing with his ass, it must be a hoax! However being 1 in 1000000 other people or even more, who can do such stuff with my asshole is fascinating. I hope to be able to gradually move my boundaries to an even higher level. And if people think it’s gay I don’t care nor mind it.

6. You also have a partner; how does that affect your training and your prolapse in general? Does she have a relationship to your butt/prolapse?
I do but prefer not to share any details 😉

7. How do you view the potential dangers of having a body modification that goes wrong? There seems to be a danger of having the gut get stuck outside the body, losing blood flow, and then having to get it operated on and losing your ability for anal pleasure. Is that just a risk you are willing to take or do you think such a danger is exaggerated?
Such danger is very real and should be thought about carefully before deciding to go for it. Chances of it happening are low in my case, I have full control over my muscles and never been in a situation when for example it got stuck outside. No matter how big it becomes, I can always pull it back inside. I would find it concerning otherwise. Bad stuff can happen… Nevertheless, it excites me to the point I’m willing to take all risks and see how far can I go.

8. Describe how it feels to prolapse. Everyone wants to know 😀
It’s similar to pooping. You push out a very long, hefty object but you never get the exact feeling of release, instead, whenever you push out your prolapse you feel slightly relieved as the pressure in the abdomen is partially released. I’m not sure if I’m the only person that finds it pleasurable though!

In touch its wet, soft and hot. Maybe not too hot but temperature is slightly higher than body’s temperature.

9. Do you have any horror stories that involve your prolapse? Eg. falling out in public.
Horror stories? Don’t think so. There were some situations when I felt endangered but it was more due to having objects stuck in my ass rather than anything related to a prolapse. Ex. Got a tangerine 🍊 stuck inside and had to push really hard to get it back outside. Not a long time ago, got an apple stuck in similar way but much much higher. Thankfully, I was able to retrieve it as well 😅 Playing with round objects is risky.

10. Question from a twitter fan: have you given your prolapse a name and/or star sign? If so, what and why?
I haven’t and never thought about it to be honest 🤣 Guess it’s a she but giving her a nickname would be too much for me haha. It’s the way I care about it makes me think that way 🥰

11. Any rarely heard tips about developing the prolapse? Do you have a favourite/most effective technique?
This is the most discussed question among the community and I find it most concerning. The reason is, everyone is built a little bit differently. Our anatomy varies from person to person and what works for me, possibly won’t work for anyone else. It took me long years to find out my most effective routine and I believe that if someone wants to follow my steps despite knowing the consequences, he or she would have to do some research and carefully choose exercises that would work best for them.

All I can recommend is to be playing as often as possible in a way that would traumatise anus as much as possible. Inserting buttplugs suddenly, and suddenly getting them out. Fisting rapidly exiting and reentering inside the rectum. Rapidly increasing size of the toys. Also, taking time to research prolapse is very important. With knowledge comes greater understanding.

12. Any extra words of wisdom to budding prolapsers out there?
Actually yes! Back in the times I was starting there was little to no information regarding this topic. Still I find it concerning up to this day so I would suggest doing as much research on your own as possible. Learn the human body, learn your body, learn to listen to yourself. Never trust people telling you to do something if you feel unsure with it. It’s your body and you have the right to do with it whatever you want. I won’t endorse prolapsing among all people on earth but I’m pretty sure if you’ve already been doing this for few years, then you will be able to achieve the same results I have.