I am in the middle of a play session alone with my toys. The big black one that arrived in the mail the other day is staring at me through the darkness, waiting for me. But first I want to address my elephant in the room lately. He’s not going anywhere.
I’ve been experiencing anxiety for about as long as the pandemic has been going on. Imagine first world problem me sitting in my apartment in central Berlin, quite secure in life and with a good partner with whom I share a flat, and with a decent paying job that makes me happy, suddenly without physical contact with my underappreciated work friends, regular friends and fist friends. And with a best friend who comes out about his drug addiction and all that ensues following that.
Anyway the point I wish to make is this: my anxiety creeps up on me when I am about to play with toys. It can destroy an evening of toy play, something that for many years I enjoyed the most in my week, something that propelled me to be happy in other areas of my life. My anxiety creeps in now while I prepare for a toy session. It is a feeling of light dread, and if it could speak it would say things like “This isn’t going to feel good. You’re gonna be disappointed. You put all this preparation time in, and now you’re gonna find you wasted all that water. You’re an idiot.” Sometimes I pack it up before I’ve even begun, or shortly into playing I indeed don’t feel good, and I stop early, telling myself to look forward to next time, and to not take myself or the playing too seriously. This works actually, and keeps me curious about the next time I play, where I try to come at playing like a fresh start/clean slate. And I sometimes do still have really excellent solo play sessions where I give myself the most profound orgasms I have ever had. In those moments I laugh and wonder why I made such a fuss. But the anxiety creeps back every time. I am starting to process it now, after two years, hence writing this blog post.
I have a book I use at home as a reference, about neuroplasticity. This evening I read about brain pathways, and how neuronal connections are strengthened when we have repeated thought patterns. It makes the analogy of a ski slope, where you ride a sled down many times, each time not knowing exactly the path you will take, because you can only control the sled so much. Each of your experiences and ways of thinking and doing things becomes etched into the snow, and so your sled becomes more likely to get stuck in those grooves and slide down the slope in the same way as the previous ways. So you need to actively go and provide roadblocks for your brain to be forced to take new paths. And there are often very lateral ways to provide these roadblocks. The list I have written below are kind of my roadblocks, or are at least signposts to remind me of the better routes to slide down the slopes. I hope that makes sense.
If you are also experiencing anxiety when it comes to toy play time, or if you do in the future, either with or without a partner(s), here are some signposts I am using to guide the way. I recommend:
– Not rushing anything, let things go in you as slowly as they like;
– Looking for pleasure rather than getting anything inside you;
– Turning yourself on by watching porn, or imagining scenarios. It has surprised me before how well my imagination can turn me on still.
– Tell yourself not to take yourself so damn seriously.
– Remind yourself of all the times this has gone really well.
– Remind yourself that you are a fister, you are accomplished, your asshole is huge.
– Don’t bother douching before a play session if you are alone, haha. Just listen to your body and take your fibre regularly. Shit happens sometimes but it’s nothing that can’t be cleaned up, and you’ll take a bit of stress out of the process of preparation.
– Love yo’self, ya’ll.
So tonight I’ve opened myself up with some bigger toys already and the big black one is still staring at me in the darkness, one meter away. It’s bigger than any other toy I have ever taken. And I’m turning myself on thinking about how big it is, and the story of whom it is attached to that came as a playing card with the delivery of the toy. And it’s gonna be fun. I might not get it in, but if I focus on the pleasure instead, who cares? My hole is only as big as I make it, and it is a journey that lasts a lifetime, so why rush?